Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Nine Ways to be a Better Tiger/Panther/Bear

1.  When you crawl towards your prey (child), crawl on your fists, not your palms.  This will make your shoulders bunch up and give you that stalking roll of the shoulders that many panthers have.

2.  It helps to have lots of hair.  Mess it up so it hides your face.  If you don't have lots of hair, mess up your eyebrows.  Don't forget to snarl.

3.  It helps to have long teeth.  My teeth are long because I scrubbed too hard when I brushed in the past and my gums receded a little.  I'm not saying scrub extra hard from now on.  I'm just asking, How dedicated are you to being a really good tiger/panther/bear?

4.  Growling is important.  Growl from deep in your chest.  You don't even have to open your mouth to do this.

5.  Let your prey (child) know you are gaining on them by taking swipes at their legs while they run away.

6.  When you bring your prey (child) down, paw the air in victory over their body.  Make sure you maintain powerful arms, otherwise you will look like a T-Rex.  Maybe you want to be a T-Rex.  Maybe you didn't know that dinosaurs are extinct, though.

7.  Go for your prey's (child's) flanks first.  This is where the skin is most tender.

8.  Don't take big bites unless your prey (child) is wearing lots of clothes.  Nibbling can sometimes produce the highest-pitched screams.

9.  Be ready to morph into a dog if your prey (child) shows real fear, e.g. starts to cry. Also if they start to whale on you with an Etch-a-Sketch.

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